It's taken time but I have come to realise my mindset is well, to put it mildly, screwed up.
I promise this blog isn't going to turn into a complete grumble and misery fest but to start there are a few things that need to be exorcised before things can move on and change.
I feel an inordinate amount of guilt for going to have lunch, for taking more than half an hour for myself, for waking up late, for not getting back from the post office in less than 2 minutes flat...
I had a small breakdown yesterday, I stood in my kitchen and cried because everything was just weighing me down. I had my haircut on Tuesday and chatting to my hairdresser I said I felt guilty for sitting there instead of working when nobody else feels guilty for having time off and for treating themselves to a haircut or shopping or a sit on the sofa with a good book for half an hour.
So after my crying session and Rob (The Trucker) chatting to me about how I have to change things, I didn't work, well I did some drawing but I sat in front of the TV and drew for me, for my own originals, for which I have no deadline, for which I can enjoy and it felt nice as there is no pressure. I went to be at 11.30 and read for an hour before Rob came to bed too. I am having today for work and then tomorrow I am going to Manchester to see The Postal Service and spend some time away from work, for me and for us as a couple, for my sanity and for a break.
On Monday I will return and things are changing. I will have an hour for lunch everyday I will walk out of my studio and have a whole hour where I do Wii Fit, I drink a whole cup of tea whilst it is still hot, I will eat a decent lunch, I will not return to that room until I have had that hour to turn off and just think about that show on TV or the bridesmaid's body I will have for my best friend's wedding next year. In the evenings at 9pm I will leave my studio, I will not check my facebook page until the next day, my emails will not be checked, I will not reply to anything. Because I don't switch off I don't have a physical separation from my work, I don't leave my work place and go home because home and work place are the same things so I have to mentally separate them even more.
I will have a day off just for me either once a week or fortnight, where I sit and read, watch TV, do Wii Fit, go for a walk, go shopping, eat loads of food, sit and think about nothing, do some housework (because that falls by the wayside more than I like) Do everything a normal person with a normal job would do on their day off.
Aslong as the rent and bills get paid and I have some spare cash to do some nice things and buy new clothes and pretties for myself everything will be ok. I don't need to work myself to the bone 24/7 because I do earn enough to live comfortably without going mad from having a messed up mind set towards my work.
So happier, brighter, more energised and focused on my return from Manchester and less regular, mini mental breakdowns from here on out!